Emotions and Other Things That Comes with It

You know I think I hide my emotions away because I am too scared that people cant handle it and judge me on it. How frustrating it could get when people think I am heartless like I am just a stupid stool sitting and witnessing everything that's been happening around me. I mean hello open your eyes, I am a human being too. No human being is brought to the world with no feelings. I am not a robot. Then tell me one thing if I dont have any feelings how come people love coming to me for advice? I mean how consoling i can be for one person but is there ever anyone who can actually make me feel better about myself? And that is why I never trust people. Most of them just want to know but not because they care. I mean the person closest to me that i sleep with for the past 23 years dont even know me, cant even read my mind or even guess what would I do in certain situations. I mean come on! Really? what depresses me is that, at night I wonder what if i die young? Will anyone ever going to know me for the real me? The real uncovered bare naked soul of Raja Putri Nur Aqilah bt Raja Azali. I, for one, have this feeling where I was brought into this world with a responsibility to make everyone happy around me. I am very sincere and honest about it, but as the year passes by, I made at least 5 out of 10 of them be where they wanted to be and at a better place. But where am i? I am still at the same place where they first met me when they needed help. I want to be where I want to be too with the people I love and appreciate too. Having people do things for me because they appreciate me and my gestures not because its a responsibility.  Cherish me because I have given them courage to get thru things. I really dont know what the future holds for me. I couldnt even find a right fit for me to get married at this age. Meanwhile, my so called close friends think they are too good for me and I am just nothing but an endless problematic child who cant afford to hangout at places they hangout. How frustrating can that be? Since when friends judge right? Despite all that I am happy for each one of them. Living their life in the centre of New York while I live my life at the Bronx, expecting to cross paths with just a forceful smile and a desperate hello every once in awhile. I hope my wish of making each one around me to write a testimony about me and compile them into a book will come true, at least before I die.